The
thirteenth rung is a bit of a tricky one. We’ve nearly reached the midway point
in the ladder, and have both an equal distance almost between us falling off and
completing the ladder. The fall from this point would be terrible indeed.
However those of us who have made it this far, have shown the power to overcome
many obstacles. While I definitely know there are more to come, getting this far
is an accomplishment. God has given us the tools to overcome so many of the
obstacles within our lives that it would be a shame really to fall into the
trap of despondency. But this, this my friends, is where we are at. The rung of
despondency the thirteenth rung.
St. John says, “Despondency is a slackness of soul, a
weakening of the mind, neglect of asceticism, hatred of the vow made. It is the
blessing of worldlings. It accuses God of being merciless and without love for
men. It is being languid in singing psalms, weak in prayer, stubbornly bent on
service, resolute in manual labour, indifferent in obedience.” When we feel despondent, we are actually weakening
our faith and losing heart. We have become the very thing that we do not wish
to become, that of heretics and fallen ones. We become weak in our prayer life.
We wish to forsake God. This is what happened to Judas. In a fit of despondency
he betrayed Jesus. He had seen Jesus preach, live and do all the miracles, yet
for a split second he felt despondent and betrayed him. Then his despondency
over what he had done led him not to repentance as it did Peter, but it led him
to suicide. Forsaking even the least bit of repentance he acquired a field and committed
suicide by hanging. The field in Jerusalem where Judas committed suicide is still
there, and there is now an Orthodox monastery on the sight. It was also
associated with child sacrifice which is interesting to note, because it was
associated with hell long before Judas even came there.
St.
John says, “Since despondency is one of the eight capital vices, and
moreover the gravest, let us deal with it just as we have dealt with the
others; but let us only add this. When there is no psalmody, then despondency
does not make its appearance. And as soon as the appointed Office is finished,
the eyes open.” It is the epitome of
the vices, the one that drags us down the hardest. When we cannot escape its
grip we feel as we are swimming in deep water that is flowing over our heads. We lose our way and it is difficult to return
to the straight and narrow path. But do not fall for the tricks of the devil
brothers and sisters. St. John says, “Observe, and you will find that if you
stand on your feet despondency will battle with you. If you sit, it will
suggest that it is better for you to lean back; and it urges you to lean
against the wall of the cell; then it persuades you to peep out of the window,
by producing noises and footsteps.” It persuades us to abandon the church and all
that it is. I have been battling a bout of despondency for a little over a
month now, as I struggle to find the time and energy to pray. Writing has been
a relief to me, giving me the strength to carry on, and sharing the gospel of
Jesus Christ to all of you. While I know that it is temporary, the effects of
this bout are real. I have suffered many instances where I want to surrender
and give up everything. I have never contemplated suicide, but leaving
everything behind for the sake of my own sanity, and not for the sake of God, has
been in the cards. I have felt that Jesus could not love someone like me,
someone who has failed him time and time again. That all my struggles and my
successes in life have been for nothing. Rather it is time that I rise up and
become something new, something bold. Where I make a difference in the world
not from teaching the future, but helping secure an eternal future. I will
probably never be a priest, the wheelchair hinders me from that. However, I will
write and proclaim Jesus Christ through this.
Disobedience to my spiritual father is not an option. I must continue.
And so should all of you. The world is full of people who everyday give up
because they cannot bear to live another day. How sad that we lose so many
people who if they had found Christ would have something to live for. I have found
my purpose. I have found a calling. Through Jesus Christ all things are made
possible, because He is the ultimate source of life. When I take Holy Communion,
His very Body and Blood runs in my veins. I should and can fear nothing,
because God is there at my side helping me in everything. Dear brothers and
sisters, we cannot and should not become despondent. Our hopes and dreams are
nothing without Christ. We should not expect to be billionaires and movie stars,
but rather that we have lived a virtuous life and stood for what is right in
the face of heresies and lunatics. May God bless us on this journey and
continue to guide us through it all.
Amen.
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