Alright so, we’ve reached the final ten rungs of the
Ladder. With that being said, the journey has now become for us one of perilousness
and frustration. I have unfortunately had to take a couple days off from
writing after I finished the last blog, and while there wont be a shortage of
posts, I certainly have not felt the same as I did when I first started this
massive undertaking. My mind has not been where it needs to be the past few
days, as I have been struggling to find the words to discuss the final few topics
with you on this journey up the ladder. I understand now why so few make the
journey and why even fewer make it the full thirty rungs. One of those reasons
is cowardice. In fact there are a wide variety of cowards in the world today, unwilling
to stand for their faith and protect the freedom in Christ that we have. People
wish for a life of ease and comfort, of peace, of luxury. St. John says, “Cowardice
is a childish disposition in an old, vainglorious soul. Cowardice is a falling
away from faith that comes of expecting the unexpected.” We must therefore flee from this, and know
that everything comes from God for our own salvation. The demons could do
nothing without the allowance from God to do so. Therefore, we know that God is
the ultimate authority on all things, the master of the universe. St. John
says, “Fear is a rehearsing of danger beforehand; or again, fear is a
trembling sensation of the heart, alarmed and troubled by unknown misfortunes.
Fear is a loss of conviction” Many of us, including myself are weak of
heart and falter and the slightest chance of fear. We lose our conviction from
God that his truth is beyond anything and everything that we can comprehend,
yet we believe the lies of the demons. We begin to lose heart, and faith and
tremble, not from divine power, but from the weakness of our souls. St. John
says, “Those who mourn over their sins but are insensible to every other
sorrow do not feel cowardice, but the cowardly often have mental breakdowns.
And this is natural. For the Lord rightly forsakes the proud that the rest of
us may learn not to be puffed up.” I am convicted in my soul of this. My
pride has destroyed me, destroyed my life. I have been welled up with pride to
the point that I have become a coward. One who flees danger instead of standing
for what is right. I have destroyed my own soul for the sake of no confrontation
with the enemy. How St. John of the Ladder must be ashamed of me. I do not wish
to fight, I do not wish to look my enemy in the face. Rather I want to flee and
hide like the apostles did after the crucifixion. I want to be as far away as
humanly possible from anyone that has ill towards me. Simply because I am a
coward. There is no way around this one. I am a coward.
But there is advice and hope for us yet, even though we
might be cowards. Of that I am comforted somewhat. Despite the fact that I know
and openly admit I am a coward. St. John says, “Do not hesitate to go late
at night to those places where you usually feel afraid. But if you yield only a
little to such weakness, then this childish and ridiculous infirmity will grow
old with you. As you go on your way, arm yourself with prayer. When you reach
the place, stretch out your hands. Flog your enemies with the name of Jesus,
for there is no stronger weapon in heaven or earth. When you get rid of the
disease (of fear), praise Him who has delivered you. If you continue to be
thankful, He will protect you for ever.” Unfortunately, I am a coward. And St.
John calls me what I am. Both ridiculous and childish. I do not wish for this
to grow with me, but rather that God will take from me my childish disposition
and replace it with a manly and honest disposition. I pray that God will be help
me through the use of the Jesus Prayer to overcome my enemies and to understand
the statues of God more firmly and more truly. I know that up until this point
in my life, I have failed God in this respect and I humbly ask for your
prayers. I ask this, because as I have fallen, so too has the world. Every time
I have acted in cowardice, the world has fallen that much further away from God,
and I ask that through your prayers I might be reconciled back to the Church for
not only my sake, but for the sake of the Kingdom of God. St. John says, “My
hair and my flesh shuddered said Eliphaz, when describing the malice of the
demon. Sometimes the soul, and sometimes the flesh, turns coward first, and the
one passes its infirmity on to the other. If this untimely fear does not pass into
the soul when the flesh flinches, then deliverance from the disease is at hand.
But the actual freedom from cowardice comes when we eagerly accept all
unexpected events with a contrite heart.” I have never learned to accept
unexpected events. Maybe that’s because I grew up in a household that banded
together when times got tough and never really saw them as unexpected events,
or because I was sheltered from them or whatever. Now being thirty years old, I
realize how much of a coward I am. I am not brave like my friend Yianni, the
former marine, turned cop. Nor am I strong and brave like my godfather, who at
the slightest turn of events begins to pray even harder, not faltering. Nor am
as I strong as my friends, who in the face of being ridiculed and cut down
because of their work, took it in stride and did not say anything. Rather they
stood there and continued taking the beating spiritually because it was
beneficial for their souls. I do not do that. I run and hide and lock my door.
We cannot do that. We cannot allow Satan to make us flee! I wish no more to say
of this, for it hurts me and pains my soul to think that I have fallen from the
ladder at this point. I must climb once again and get through this rung so that
I may go to the next rung.
May God grant us hope and
peace. Apologies for speaking so much about myself in this blog. I love you
all.
Amen.
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